1. Joseph Stalin. Although the ‘Boss’ as he was known to his apparatchik friends didn’t score quite as high in the body count stakes as China’s Mao Tse Tung (70,000,000!!!), he still comes in at a healthy 20,000,000 dead and tops our list for sheer unreasonableness, unpredictability and the knack of making Hitler look like someone with principles. It’s always a surprise when dreamy young lefties discover it’s the tip of their wing, not the other one, that made the 20th century the worst thing that ever happened to hundreds of millions of innocent men, women and children. To understand this one only need consider the fact that Stalin’s arrest and deportation of the entire nation of Chechnya was named Operation Lentil.

2. Adolf Hitler. If there was a yardstick for arseholes, Hitler’s would have a stick up its arsehole. The ‘Boss’, as he was known to the boys in Hugo Boss, needs no introduction. His lonely ideological inclusion in this list is proof that right wingers are always completely outgunned by the very ideology they claim is soft.

3. Kim Jong Ill. Demigod, hamburger inventor, golfing genius, author of 1,500 books in three years, opera composer, captain of his own Pleasure Squad, telekineticist, fratricidal short people abductor, corpse… Legend.

4. Saparmurat Niyazov. His Excellency Saparmurat Türkmenbasy, President of Turkmenistan and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers knew how to do it. He named everything (schools, calendar months etc) after himself, banned lip-syncing and banned smoking everywhere (including outdoors) except in houses, bars and restaurants. He also said this: “I watched young dogs when I was young. They were given bones to gnaw to strengthen their teeth. Those of you whose teeth have fallen out did not chew on bones. This is my advice.”

5. Francois Duvalier. He ruled Haiti and admitted to guiding Lee Harvey Oswald with voodoo remote control. What. A. Guy.

The Drones play The Hi-Fi Friday September 27.