1. Boys in tangerine speedos and girls in 'the bottle-opening bikini' (a real thing that exists).

2. Enough alcohol to make everyone want to skinny-dip, but not enough to make me ACTUALLY do it.

3. A seven-hour loop of Fleetwood Mac's 'Go Your Own Way'. Trust me.

4. A Hovercraft. Make an entrance and show people who owns this beach.

5. Sunscreen. Forget all the cancer scaremongering, the real danger with the sun is AGEING. No one wants to see anything super-wrinkly at the beach — why do you think men only cover one thing?

'Psycho Beach Party' is on until September 28 at The Loft, QUT as part of Brisbane Festival.

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