Fear And Self-Loathing

Jamie Stewart - frontman of Californian experimental poppers Xiu Xiu - has never been known for his cheerful disposition. But surely his band’s latest album title, ‘Dear God, I Hate Myself’, is ironic?

“It's not ironic in any way, unfortunately,” he deadpans down the line from his home in North Carolina, ahead of his band's first Australian tour in five years. “That title basically defined my state of mind when I was recording it. I'd just gone through a really deep and intense period of miserable self-loathing … I'm normally a little loath to define us as a band at all, but irony is something we will absolutely never partake in. I find it a completely reprehensible facet of 'indie rock'. But I don't think the title is humourless. It's so over the top, it's a little bit funny.”

Now that the album is out and getting great reviews, of course, Stewart must be in a more optimistic state of mind.

“Uh, no, not really,” he laughs nervously, in the same way a death row inmate might. “I think it's just an unfortunate result of my personal history and internal chemistry. I mean, I feel fortunate to be able to turn that feeling into a record. I'm sure I would feel this way whether or not I was in a band. Fortunately, it has some place to go.”

In fact, Stewart doesn't even know the album (which was recorded almost entirely on a Nintendo DS) has been receiving positive reviews. He doesn't read them.

“I used to read them when we first started,” he explains, “thinking it would somehow be educational … But I found, generally, they would just make me feel terrible, whether they were good or bad. If they were bad, it made me feel like I had failed as a person. If they were good, people never responded to the things I wanted them to. So, again, I'd feel like I'd failed as a person.”

The talented singer-songwriter did break his self-imposed media ban to follow the fallout from the band's last music video. The clip (for the album's synth-heavy title track) features new band member Angela Seo engaging in three minutes of self-induced vomiting. Believe it or not, this was somewhat controversial.

“She actually did the whole video,” Stewart explains. “My understanding of her idea was that when she was younger, she really struggled with body image and bulimia, and so did a lot of her friends. Bulimia is a reaction to self-hate. She thought it was a very physical and very clear illustration of that idea of self-hate. The point was not to be shocking. The point was to illustrate her experience.”

Naturally, Stewart rejects rampant speculation that Seo was somehow coerced into filming the video.

“Oh, that's totally fucking insane. The only explanation for that is really thinly veiled racism. Because she's an Asian girl, she can't do anything crazy. If she is doing something crazy, some white asshole must be forcing her to do it. She certainly has the fortitude to do something insane by herself!

“If that was some white hipster American Apparel chick doing something like that, no one would ever assume her bandmate forced her to do it, you know? It's completely preposterous. I can understand that people would be freaked out, but the idea that I forced her to do it is fucking insane.”

Xiu Xiu headline Frankly! at Brisbane Powerhouse on Saturday September 4.